Poem #2

Dear You,

I asked for space. Space to think, space to breathe….space to just exist.

You couldn’t understand how much you were suffocating me.

You had the best intentions and brought a new side of life to mine.

But nothing in this life is permanent.

Sometimes we only get our five seconds of fame in someone’s life.

For months you proposed the idea that you could love me.

Claimed you were in love with me.

That no one could ever love me or appreciate me like you.

But you weren’t in love with me.

You were in love without me.

Because I was never in love with you.

I know I said the words.

I know I bought those gifts.

I know we even made love.

But for none of those moments did I ever actually love you.

I look back on those moments with a guilty conscience

I remember every time I looked you in the eyes and said it

But I never meant it

I never felt it

In fact, during all that time, I never felt anything

It was as if I was a racecar

Flying down the highway at 1000 miles per hour

Unable to feel a thing

All I could do was keep going

I had to hit a wall

I had to shatter

Because then I knew I would finally feel again

And when I hit that wall, I more than shattered

I lost everything

Including my will to live

Because every phone call

Every wrong moment

Every gift you used to win my affections

Was right there

In my room, in my head, in my life

And I had to go

You were too much

Everything you did revolved around me

Every word was to please or impress me

And I just wanted to breathe

I wanted my lungs back

Not the paper sacks strapped to my chest

Which could’ve been ripped away at any moment

I had to step outside of the bubble we had created

Because the world has so much more to offer

Rather than phone calls where you refused to hang up

Or letters you mailed me, in an attempt to prove you were a gentleman

Or money you rashly spent on me, left and right, never stopping for a minute to consider the consequences

Your mother never liked me

And I don’t blame her

Because although I pushed you further than you could’ve ever gone towards your truth

I used and abused your choice to worship me

I was cunning and manipulative to the next degree

I stained your sheets with my poisonous comfort

Caressing your face and holding you close

Oh, your mother was right

I was evil

But the beautiful kind

Wanting the best for you

But wanting even better for me

And now I know

I know my sins

And I’m receiving my karma

With every touch and every kiss from the next one

I feel what you must have felt

The fear of my escape

Because lying burns

Not only on the receiving end

But also the tongue from which it trickles